Tamthilia Ya Kibanda

I have the bestest friends in the world.They understand me completely and my love for culinary delights.

Recently, one of them sent me an email that just made my day!Knowing my love for food (not liking but love) and recognising that my Sheng is lacking, lol,(Late last year, I had to ask my bro what 'rwabe' meant...), she sent me a 'Fools guide to ordering in a Kibanda'.

Enjoy:

"So you all have have been to the mighty kibanda for a selection of mouth watering dishes, but most of you guyz barely understand the logistics of operations there, leave alone the street language.

So here's a compilation of some of the delicacies available on demand, in the kibanda language. In case of any omissions, kindly amend and circulate for knowledge sake:

Chapati dunga - this is where a chapati is rolled and pierced with a fork.

Chapati dondosa - this is where a chapati is served whole and served while floating on thick soup.

Chapati msalaba - this is where a chapati is sliced into four equal quarters. The cuttings resemble a cross

Chapati kifagio - this is where a chapati is sliced into thin many vertical strips

Chapati chafua - this is where a chapati is sliced into many pieces as possible. Usually they are sliced into squares that are approximately 3.5centimeteres squared (do the math)

Chapati mbao/ chapati mawe - this is a dry chapati, those that break easily like a piece of wood

Ugali saucer/ wembe/discount - that one I know you know

Ugali mlima - this is an enormous chunk of ugali served only to 'professionals' and is usually served with a warning. "ukikosa kuimaliza, utaongeza kumi".

Tumbukiza - this is where meat is overboiled until the meat is very soft. Usually served without salt. Tumbukiza special has no bones

Kahawa kifo - so you have done kahawa chungu! This is worse. It usually contains lots of "kahawa no 1" and is overboiled till its black. its then served without sugar. Its literaly burnt coffee

Kaa ndani - this is where a mandazi is made an incision at the side and a delicacy inserted inside of it. So kaa ndani ya sausage is a mandazi with a sausage in it.

Jembe ya meno - toothpick

Samaki cassette - this is fish which has bones in it. Its served whole whereby a person starts eating it on one side( side A ). Once done, its then turned to the other side (side B). A successful completed eating mission is certified once the only thing left on the plate are intact bones of the fish and the head.

Karare - chapati nusu

Combat - githeriMix/ missile / kadhalika - this is mchanganyiko of everything on the soup menu. Involves madondo, sukuma, nyama, ndengu etc. Na inasemwa na style, so don’t go ati nipatie missile 20! It goes like "haya, hebu nibonde na chapo mix ya kaufourty, na ikuje chapchap kabla niachwe na ndege.

Teargas - pilipili

Matusi ya waiter: Weh! Mbona unaniwekea nyama kidogo hivi, kwani ni wewe ulichinjwa?

Long Live the Kibanda!"
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(To the lady who sent me this, you are a legend...you rock!)

Cut to Heal

For those who think that friendships are just for the good times, think again.Friends arent supposed to accomodate your foolishness,no.Your bond mandates them to call out your dumb stuff and call you back to order.

I love you too much to let you destroy yourself just because I want to keep you happy...like a surgeon, i have to cut to heal.